I didn't know!

I didn't know that my toughest blow with Alzheimer’s was going to be after Patty succumbed. There is now a big hole in my life. Self imposed restrictions are lifted. I can now photograph at sunrise, take a steam without interruption, come and go as I please, but I don’t feel freed. I feel lost.

We had our daily routines for years - getting ready for the day, listen to fifties, breakfast at Parkside, then Starbucks, walk, news, movie, end of day routines. Patty became my shadow. I would walk to the garage to get wood - Patty would come along. I would go to the Studio for an hour - Patty would come along. She did not feel comfortable enough with any outside care givers to stay alone with them.

When I left Patty to be with an outside care-giver she would wonder to Michael’s and Jessica’s, down the stairs and over to the other side of our multi-generational home. They were there to be with her. They were very instrumental in making Patty’s home stay a possibility. I am grateful. It would have killed Patty, and me, to make a memory care placement. I dreaded the thought.

At first I was concerned about Patty not being able to stay with outside care, then I realized I wanted, and I could, spend more of the final and precious moments with Patty.

Now I am alone, and that is ok. I have really been alone for the last few years. Alzheimer’s prepped me. When I was alone at Kripalu I realized living alone (multi-generational home life helps) would not be a problem for me.

I don’t know about the lost feeling though. I am going to do what I learned from Psychology of Mind - notice the feeling and do nothing. Everything seems to be broken now, including me. It will pass. I know my natural state of mind is a good place. I look forward to new encounters, and treasure the good memories of being with Patty for more than fifty-four years.

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Forest Bathing at Kripalu